The Self, complex yet so simple, well at least for me.
I look towards the simple aspects of myself: Smiling, Happy, Driven by Emotion, Hardworking (hopefully), Determined, Passionate.
Yet the complicated aspects of myself: Spontaneous, analytical, introspective, thoughtful, and once again Passionate.
What sets the complicated from the simple?
As a human, these rational thoughts, I feel are more complicated because it makes us stop and think about what we're doing.
While the simple are those that are your gut feeling, yet it can still be complex because you don't know the origins of yet.
So...
What? Aren't they all the same then?
yes and no
They can be both, if you want them to be, just how you can overcomplicate a rather simple task.
For example, the way to class. You could go through Morrison, then through the UNC hospitals, then through FedEx and finally make it to Hanes, or you can just a straight shot to Hanes from South Campus to North. It's your own choice.
Same way goes when you can simplify an overly complicated task.
For example:
Monday, October 31, 2016
Friday, October 21, 2016
Emotion over Reason
Growing up, being Chinese, not just learning but embracing my culture has made me who I am.
Accepting failure, rejoicing success, learning from mistakes, and seeking fulfillment from all of those.
I am human. I am emotional.
The character 心 has been thrown around a lot in my family.
My dad doesn't tell me, what does my brain tell me. He tells me, what are my emotions telling me. (你觉得怎么样）
Emotions, not reason
I've always been driven my emotion. I do what my heart tells me to, not my mind. I do what I think is best for me.
I've come to learn that my past and my upbringing molded my personality, but I too can change that. I have the capacity to do so.
Yet, sometimes my personality changes without me knowing.
Sometimes I look different, I seem different, and I feel different, and it's okay.
We can either focus on our differences, or we can embrace our differences and find something comforting about diversity.
Diversity, unity, emotions, and fulfillment.
Maybe thats all I need? Happiness? 幸福，快乐，开心。All terms for happiness. All depending on the duration of the term happiness.
So...
Which one do I want? Does wanting all of them seem too selfish?
Maybe...
But a diverse array of emotions is also necessary for a fulfilling life.
Maybe that's what I need.
An plethora of emotions, even the so-called "bad"ones, "weird" ones, "socially unacceptable" ones.
Accepting failure, rejoicing success, learning from mistakes, and seeking fulfillment from all of those.
I am human. I am emotional.
The character 心 has been thrown around a lot in my family.
My dad doesn't tell me, what does my brain tell me. He tells me, what are my emotions telling me. (你觉得怎么样）
Emotions, not reason
I've always been driven my emotion. I do what my heart tells me to, not my mind. I do what I think is best for me.
I've come to learn that my past and my upbringing molded my personality, but I too can change that. I have the capacity to do so.
Yet, sometimes my personality changes without me knowing.
Sometimes I look different, I seem different, and I feel different, and it's okay.
We can either focus on our differences, or we can embrace our differences and find something comforting about diversity.
Diversity, unity, emotions, and fulfillment.
Maybe thats all I need? Happiness? 幸福，快乐，开心。All terms for happiness. All depending on the duration of the term happiness.
So...
Which one do I want? Does wanting all of them seem too selfish?
Maybe...
But a diverse array of emotions is also necessary for a fulfilling life.
Maybe that's what I need.
An plethora of emotions, even the so-called "bad"ones, "weird" ones, "socially unacceptable" ones.
Friday, October 14, 2016
Tears of Happiness
Scrolling through YouTube Videos, munching on snacks, procrastinating on homework. That's my typical Friday. No care for the world because its a freaking Friday, I have a whole weekend to explore, to vegetate, and to do absolutely nothing ... well except for homework, but that's besides the point.
Classes have been overwhelming, too much to do in too little time, not to mention my incapability to time manage, but hey, I'm only a sophomore, what do I know?
Excuses, excuses, excuses.
I envy those who have their life together. Who have so much talent.
I was watching some of the best America's Got Talent and X-Factor videos, and man do they have some talent. They're so down to earth, so authentic, and so genuine. Seeing them brought tears to my eyes, but at the same time, I look back at myself and I think, why not me?
Maybe it's because I'm not suited to be famous or on stage, but I want my recognition. Yes, this is a little selfish, but I too like to be a part of the attention. No matter how much I say I don't, I actually do. I really do.
So maybe thats just me. I am human though so attention and approval of others are part of me. Yet I hate this dependence. No,
It's more like I hate my natural inclination to seek other's approval.
I am strong, I am capable, and I am independent.
The quote of the day that the app Momentum gave to me was, "When you see a person without a smile, give them one of yours." - Zig Ziglar
Smile
That's all I need.
Happiness is such an abstract concept, but a smile really bottles just a little bit of happiness and gives it to whomever you're smiling towards.
It's infinite, it's free, and it's people's way of showing that they care.
Some may be genuine, others may not, regardless, they mean something. The receivers takes it in and cherishes it.
Yet, why the title "Tears of Happiness" ?
Why not Smiles?
Smiles anybody can fake, but tears of happiness, those don't come around so often.
I am a cryer, especially when something good happens in movies, shows, even in those YouTube Videos, I cried for the singers. Why? Because to them they are doing what they love, and they're doing it so beautifully that it moved me to tears.
I envy them, not because I want to be them, but because I also want to move others to tears with my work. I want to show that I truly love what I do regardless of the place, time, activity, etc. I want to move them, and I want to move myself.
I want to get to the point where I know that I am capable of what I am doing without the attention or approval of others.
I am capable.
I am strong.
I will find my way and center myself.
Growth is what I want. Tears of Happiness is what I desire. Maybe not from others.
I can find independence.
Tears of Happiness for myself.
The self.
--- Su :')
Classes have been overwhelming, too much to do in too little time, not to mention my incapability to time manage, but hey, I'm only a sophomore, what do I know?
Excuses, excuses, excuses.
I envy those who have their life together. Who have so much talent.
I was watching some of the best America's Got Talent and X-Factor videos, and man do they have some talent. They're so down to earth, so authentic, and so genuine. Seeing them brought tears to my eyes, but at the same time, I look back at myself and I think, why not me?
Maybe it's because I'm not suited to be famous or on stage, but I want my recognition. Yes, this is a little selfish, but I too like to be a part of the attention. No matter how much I say I don't, I actually do. I really do.
So maybe thats just me. I am human though so attention and approval of others are part of me. Yet I hate this dependence. No,
It's more like I hate my natural inclination to seek other's approval.
I am strong, I am capable, and I am independent.
The quote of the day that the app Momentum gave to me was, "When you see a person without a smile, give them one of yours." - Zig Ziglar
Smile
That's all I need.
Happiness is such an abstract concept, but a smile really bottles just a little bit of happiness and gives it to whomever you're smiling towards.
It's infinite, it's free, and it's people's way of showing that they care.
Some may be genuine, others may not, regardless, they mean something. The receivers takes it in and cherishes it.
Yet, why the title "Tears of Happiness" ?
Why not Smiles?
Smiles anybody can fake, but tears of happiness, those don't come around so often.
I am a cryer, especially when something good happens in movies, shows, even in those YouTube Videos, I cried for the singers. Why? Because to them they are doing what they love, and they're doing it so beautifully that it moved me to tears.
I envy them, not because I want to be them, but because I also want to move others to tears with my work. I want to show that I truly love what I do regardless of the place, time, activity, etc. I want to move them, and I want to move myself.
I want to get to the point where I know that I am capable of what I am doing without the attention or approval of others.
I am capable.
I am strong.
I will find my way and center myself.
Growth is what I want. Tears of Happiness is what I desire. Maybe not from others.
I can find independence.
Tears of Happiness for myself.
The self.
--- Su :')
Sunday, May 15, 2016
Realizations
Today is the day. The last day that I will be here; tomorrow at 2 PM, I will be leaving for Singapore.
The moment that I have been waiting for, ever since I found out, I've been anticipating this day to arrive.
I'm giddy, I'm excited, but most of all I'm nervous.
I've never been the most outgoing person, nor the most social person, but I am willing to put myself out there. I like my small group of friends, and hopefully these 24 other amazing students are willing to accept into their friend group just as much as I am willing to.
It all happened so quickly. (Nonetheless, I still haven't even finished packing)What happened? Nearly 2 months have passed, and my acceptance still feels like yesterday, although my giddiness has died down recently, but I feel it surfacing once again.
What is this? Awareness please don't fail me now. Be conscientious, be considerate, but most importantly please be kind.
Programs like this changes people, and I want to change for the better. I'm not just out to play; I'm out here to learn, to grow, and to thrive. I'm more than just a oxygen-addicted eukaryote. I'm a human. I pursue happiness, I seek fulfillment, and I flourish on passion.So please, let's not change for the worst. Center myself to the Tao, and everything else will follow. Let me be me, but guide me. Let me be more thoughtful and caring; most importantly, let me be more respectful. My parents brought me up this way, and I dare not to let them down. I want to be something that they are proud of, and I thank everything that they have ever done for me. Hopefully, I have matured beautifully, but deep down inside, I'll always be your little girl. Being apart from my parents for 2 months will be hard, but it will be a learning experience.
Keep smiling and laughing, because that is truly the life worth living. I am blessed.
--- Su :')
The moment that I have been waiting for, ever since I found out, I've been anticipating this day to arrive.
I'm giddy, I'm excited, but most of all I'm nervous.
I've never been the most outgoing person, nor the most social person, but I am willing to put myself out there. I like my small group of friends, and hopefully these 24 other amazing students are willing to accept into their friend group just as much as I am willing to.
It all happened so quickly. (Nonetheless, I still haven't even finished packing)What happened? Nearly 2 months have passed, and my acceptance still feels like yesterday, although my giddiness has died down recently, but I feel it surfacing once again.
What is this? Awareness please don't fail me now. Be conscientious, be considerate, but most importantly please be kind.
Programs like this changes people, and I want to change for the better. I'm not just out to play; I'm out here to learn, to grow, and to thrive. I'm more than just a oxygen-addicted eukaryote. I'm a human. I pursue happiness, I seek fulfillment, and I flourish on passion.So please, let's not change for the worst. Center myself to the Tao, and everything else will follow. Let me be me, but guide me. Let me be more thoughtful and caring; most importantly, let me be more respectful. My parents brought me up this way, and I dare not to let them down. I want to be something that they are proud of, and I thank everything that they have ever done for me. Hopefully, I have matured beautifully, but deep down inside, I'll always be your little girl. Being apart from my parents for 2 months will be hard, but it will be a learning experience.
Keep smiling and laughing, because that is truly the life worth living. I am blessed.
--- Su :')
Thursday, May 5, 2016
Self-Reflection
Hello!
Yes, my first year at UNC has finally come to an end. The memories were great, the people I met were wonderful, and I literally could not have asked for anything better. I truly am blessed to be going to such a wonderful school. Even though today was raining and quite gloomy, I truly enjoyed my last day at Chapel Hill.
I woke up, anticipating for this day to come ever since the first day I moved in. I was awkward and didn't know where I would fit in at this university. New places, new people, but would there be a new me? Have I changed fundamentally? Hopefully not, hopefully my essence has stayed the same throughout or even become better. I want to improve and want to become a better person. Sometimes when people knock you down, I need to find the courage to stand up again. Therefore I have learned a multitude of things this year:
1. People change and that's okay.
I feel that I've been away from my friends too long, some I do not think I've talked to in months, but thats okay. It's only normal. Sometimes I hate change, but its important to note that it is inevitable.
2. It's okay to not like someone.
I've realized that my judgements can be completely off. I've hung out with J for quite an extensive amount of time during the 1st semester, but soon as the 2nd one came along, I've realized that J isn't what I imagined him to be. I do not need to accommodate to him, I am my own priority. Sometimes people suck the living life out of you, so I've decided to cut him off. And that is perfectly acceptable
3. Parents are important.
I've always taken my parents' kindness for granted, but once I left for college, I've realized that I really do miss talking to my parents, eating their home-cooked meals, and most importantly, being around them. Their presence was naturally comforting, and I didn't realize this until I truly lost it. I've learned how to open up to them and actually strike a conversation with them. Even though they are the type to show their love through actions rather than affection, I've learned to pick up their cues of love. I give them all my respect and respect, and hopefully, my kids will do the same for me. I do love them, but I show it through actions, just like my parents. I've matured and learned that they have sacrificed everything for the sake of my happiness, and I could not be more honored. I am grateful for all that they have done and hopefully I will become a daughter that they'll be proud of.
4. Open up
Lastly is opening up. I've learned to smile and greet people rather than blatantly ignoring them. I've always have had a happy demeanor, but if I honestly did not know you well, I would not know how to open up, how to properly act. Now I've decided to say hi first instead of waiting for the other person to say it, I've started to greet people more, and I've started to add people on Facebook first instead of waiting for the other person to add me. I've hopefully come out of my shell and become more aware that my taciturnity sometimes comes off as being rude and unfriendly, and I truly am trying to change.
This year was wonderful, the people I met, I just want to thank you all. This year has been great, tough, but I would not change anything about it.
Summer, here I come. Thank you for a great year Chapel Hill. I hope to see you this Fall! Cheers!
--Su
PS. Congrats to those who are also done with college! You've made it through! Also to those who are still in school, you got this! The end is near, and you can push on through. :)
Yes, my first year at UNC has finally come to an end. The memories were great, the people I met were wonderful, and I literally could not have asked for anything better. I truly am blessed to be going to such a wonderful school. Even though today was raining and quite gloomy, I truly enjoyed my last day at Chapel Hill.
I woke up, anticipating for this day to come ever since the first day I moved in. I was awkward and didn't know where I would fit in at this university. New places, new people, but would there be a new me? Have I changed fundamentally? Hopefully not, hopefully my essence has stayed the same throughout or even become better. I want to improve and want to become a better person. Sometimes when people knock you down, I need to find the courage to stand up again. Therefore I have learned a multitude of things this year:
1. People change and that's okay.
I feel that I've been away from my friends too long, some I do not think I've talked to in months, but thats okay. It's only normal. Sometimes I hate change, but its important to note that it is inevitable.
2. It's okay to not like someone.
I've realized that my judgements can be completely off. I've hung out with J for quite an extensive amount of time during the 1st semester, but soon as the 2nd one came along, I've realized that J isn't what I imagined him to be. I do not need to accommodate to him, I am my own priority. Sometimes people suck the living life out of you, so I've decided to cut him off. And that is perfectly acceptable
3. Parents are important.
I've always taken my parents' kindness for granted, but once I left for college, I've realized that I really do miss talking to my parents, eating their home-cooked meals, and most importantly, being around them. Their presence was naturally comforting, and I didn't realize this until I truly lost it. I've learned how to open up to them and actually strike a conversation with them. Even though they are the type to show their love through actions rather than affection, I've learned to pick up their cues of love. I give them all my respect and respect, and hopefully, my kids will do the same for me. I do love them, but I show it through actions, just like my parents. I've matured and learned that they have sacrificed everything for the sake of my happiness, and I could not be more honored. I am grateful for all that they have done and hopefully I will become a daughter that they'll be proud of.
4. Open up
Lastly is opening up. I've learned to smile and greet people rather than blatantly ignoring them. I've always have had a happy demeanor, but if I honestly did not know you well, I would not know how to open up, how to properly act. Now I've decided to say hi first instead of waiting for the other person to say it, I've started to greet people more, and I've started to add people on Facebook first instead of waiting for the other person to add me. I've hopefully come out of my shell and become more aware that my taciturnity sometimes comes off as being rude and unfriendly, and I truly am trying to change.
This year was wonderful, the people I met, I just want to thank you all. This year has been great, tough, but I would not change anything about it.
Summer, here I come. Thank you for a great year Chapel Hill. I hope to see you this Fall! Cheers!
--Su
PS. Congrats to those who are also done with college! You've made it through! Also to those who are still in school, you got this! The end is near, and you can push on through. :)
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
Gloomy days
Today I took an exam and felt absolutely awful about it. On Monday, I just got notified that my employers will not be extending my term with them, meaning I GOT FIRED! I've just been feeling awful lately. I'm usually very happy about everything and do not usually let things bring me down, but lately, I've just been feeling horrible. So unproductive, so unaware, so unconscious about my actions. I hate this. I hate being sad. I just want the anxiety to stop. I absolutely do not want my Freshman Year at UNC to end like this. I keep telling myself that I am capable, I am strong, and I am independent, yet I still fall into the depth of despair, into the emotion that I absolutely cannot stand with a passion. I've lost my drive, my motivation, and my happiness. I tried to cheer up, I tried to forget, but it just keeps coming back. What started out as a normal week, soured. I hate this, more importantly I hate myself for not being more prepared, more hardworking, more strong-willed. I want these, I desire them to the point of no return, yet I'm at standstill. I want to improve; I want to continuously improve. Why can't I improve? I want to grow, I want feel, I want to move on, yet the rumination is still there. Am I depressed? Am I so sad to the point where I cannot stand being around other people?
I see my roommate laugh, and I love it. She's opened up so much in the past semester, but I feel that I'm closing inward. I've lost all motivation. I put in all my efforts to study, yet no progress. What am I doing wrong? Why am I acting like this? I'm usually okay with decent grades, but what has happened to make me like this? I feel like I've taken a step back, maybe even more steps back. I hate this. I hate myself.
I want to cry... I'm crying. The screen is becoming a blur... everything is falling apart. What now? ... What?
-Su
I see my roommate laugh, and I love it. She's opened up so much in the past semester, but I feel that I'm closing inward. I've lost all motivation. I put in all my efforts to study, yet no progress. What am I doing wrong? Why am I acting like this? I'm usually okay with decent grades, but what has happened to make me like this? I feel like I've taken a step back, maybe even more steps back. I hate this. I hate myself.
I want to cry... I'm crying. The screen is becoming a blur... everything is falling apart. What now? ... What?
-Su
Monday, March 7, 2016
Hello World!
Hello! This is the first entry to the blog - Epoch of Learning!
I am currently a first-year at UNC-Chapel Hill, and I am double majoring in Pre-business and Chinese.
Although many people will not find this, and it may not be a well-known blog, my goal for this blog is to finally freely express what I've been feeling. Although I do not liked to be put into a box because as a human being, I am more than a label, I feel that the usual introverted and unassertive side of me has made me keep everything inside. I feel that I need to be cautious of what I say just so that I don't start arguments, and sometimes, I want to express my opinions, but I lack that assertive quality that other people have. I get pushed around sometimes, but that is okay because I prefer to keep the peace than start a disruption.
Anyways, I recently was interviewed for the SEAS program at UNC-Chapel Hill, and the sheer amount of stress that it has caused me is absolutely ridiculous. I feel so disconnected with my friends, my family, and the world itself. I never want to put all my eggs in the same basket, but I just really want to go on this study abroad. I feel that if I do not get into this program, people will judge me, and ask my why I didn't get in. I would also hate myself because I had the capabilities to prepare for this trip, and I would just be letting myself down. People tell me "Oh, you'll definitely get in." However, I feel that they are just too optimistic and too naive. Being a natural pessimist, I doubt all my accomplishments. My high school diploma, my IB diploma, and even my acceptance here. Sometimes I wonder why in the world am I in this college where I am surrounded by intelligent, capable, determined people, and I am just over here being a potato. Sometimes I wonder why I even got into the college in the first place.
Yet, people tell me, "Su, you need to have more confidence in yourself. You got in for a reason." However, to be honest, I don't know why I got into this college in the first place. I've gotten so unmotivated and so tired lately that I just want to crawl back to Greensboro and cry.
However, I've come to realize that me escaping from my responsibilities, me running away, me forgetting about the amount of effort I have put into my life, is not the answer. I may not have the natural self confidence that other people have, but I have learned that I am humble and proud of where I came from. My personality, my emotions, my intelligence, and more importantly my confidence, they are all a part of who I am. Accepting the good and not so good parts about me is the only way that I am going to improve myself. I have to acknowledge my emotions. I have to be more confident. Finally I have to accept myself. I may just be another student at UNC, but I got in for a reason. The lack of confidence that I have does not mean that I should give up on anything. I am strong. I am independent. I am capable. These past few days have been rough with all this stress, all this anxiety, all these responsibilities. Nonetheless, I am proud of who I am, and I accept all parts of my personality. I may lack confidence, but I am still strong, and I will still work. I am determined to be the best that I can be.
This is my Epoch of learning. My experience, my background, my brain. They are mine. I hope this blog will help me become more actualized over the course of the next 4 years. I want to become the best that I can be!
Thank you so much!
I hope you guys have a lovely weekend. This entry may be a bit too personal, but that was my emotions as of today. Up until 4:45, I have been feeling down lately, but during a Psych study, I was scrolling through my emails and found out that I have been accepted to the SEAS program. I am super stoked! I need to learn how to be more confident. Yes, that is something I need to work on, and I am trying right now, but that was just a low point in my life. I need to have hope for the future, and so do you guys. Thank you so much for reading thus far. I will write back very soon.
--- Su
Side note: I love Lao-zi and Confucius by the way. They are some of my favorite philosophers! I definitely would recommend them!
I am currently a first-year at UNC-Chapel Hill, and I am double majoring in Pre-business and Chinese.
Although many people will not find this, and it may not be a well-known blog, my goal for this blog is to finally freely express what I've been feeling. Although I do not liked to be put into a box because as a human being, I am more than a label, I feel that the usual introverted and unassertive side of me has made me keep everything inside. I feel that I need to be cautious of what I say just so that I don't start arguments, and sometimes, I want to express my opinions, but I lack that assertive quality that other people have. I get pushed around sometimes, but that is okay because I prefer to keep the peace than start a disruption.
Anyways, I recently was interviewed for the SEAS program at UNC-Chapel Hill, and the sheer amount of stress that it has caused me is absolutely ridiculous. I feel so disconnected with my friends, my family, and the world itself. I never want to put all my eggs in the same basket, but I just really want to go on this study abroad. I feel that if I do not get into this program, people will judge me, and ask my why I didn't get in. I would also hate myself because I had the capabilities to prepare for this trip, and I would just be letting myself down. People tell me "Oh, you'll definitely get in." However, I feel that they are just too optimistic and too naive. Being a natural pessimist, I doubt all my accomplishments. My high school diploma, my IB diploma, and even my acceptance here. Sometimes I wonder why in the world am I in this college where I am surrounded by intelligent, capable, determined people, and I am just over here being a potato. Sometimes I wonder why I even got into the college in the first place.
Yet, people tell me, "Su, you need to have more confidence in yourself. You got in for a reason." However, to be honest, I don't know why I got into this college in the first place. I've gotten so unmotivated and so tired lately that I just want to crawl back to Greensboro and cry.
However, I've come to realize that me escaping from my responsibilities, me running away, me forgetting about the amount of effort I have put into my life, is not the answer. I may not have the natural self confidence that other people have, but I have learned that I am humble and proud of where I came from. My personality, my emotions, my intelligence, and more importantly my confidence, they are all a part of who I am. Accepting the good and not so good parts about me is the only way that I am going to improve myself. I have to acknowledge my emotions. I have to be more confident. Finally I have to accept myself. I may just be another student at UNC, but I got in for a reason. The lack of confidence that I have does not mean that I should give up on anything. I am strong. I am independent. I am capable. These past few days have been rough with all this stress, all this anxiety, all these responsibilities. Nonetheless, I am proud of who I am, and I accept all parts of my personality. I may lack confidence, but I am still strong, and I will still work. I am determined to be the best that I can be.
This is my Epoch of learning. My experience, my background, my brain. They are mine. I hope this blog will help me become more actualized over the course of the next 4 years. I want to become the best that I can be!
Thank you so much!
I hope you guys have a lovely weekend. This entry may be a bit too personal, but that was my emotions as of today. Up until 4:45, I have been feeling down lately, but during a Psych study, I was scrolling through my emails and found out that I have been accepted to the SEAS program. I am super stoked! I need to learn how to be more confident. Yes, that is something I need to work on, and I am trying right now, but that was just a low point in my life. I need to have hope for the future, and so do you guys. Thank you so much for reading thus far. I will write back very soon.
--- Su
Side note: I love Lao-zi and Confucius by the way. They are some of my favorite philosophers! I definitely would recommend them!
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