Today I took an exam and felt absolutely awful about it. On Monday, I just got notified that my employers will not be extending my term with them, meaning I GOT FIRED! I've just been feeling awful lately. I'm usually very happy about everything and do not usually let things bring me down, but lately, I've just been feeling horrible. So unproductive, so unaware, so unconscious about my actions. I hate this. I hate being sad. I just want the anxiety to stop. I absolutely do not want my Freshman Year at UNC to end like this. I keep telling myself that I am capable, I am strong, and I am independent, yet I still fall into the depth of despair, into the emotion that I absolutely cannot stand with a passion. I've lost my drive, my motivation, and my happiness. I tried to cheer up, I tried to forget, but it just keeps coming back. What started out as a normal week, soured. I hate this, more importantly I hate myself for not being more prepared, more hardworking, more strong-willed. I want these, I desire them to the point of no return, yet I'm at standstill. I want to improve; I want to continuously improve. Why can't I improve? I want to grow, I want feel, I want to move on, yet the rumination is still there. Am I depressed? Am I so sad to the point where I cannot stand being around other people?
I see my roommate laugh, and I love it. She's opened up so much in the past semester, but I feel that I'm closing inward. I've lost all motivation. I put in all my efforts to study, yet no progress. What am I doing wrong? Why am I acting like this? I'm usually okay with decent grades, but what has happened to make me like this? I feel like I've taken a step back, maybe even more steps back. I hate this. I hate myself.
I want to cry... I'm crying. The screen is becoming a blur... everything is falling apart. What now? ... What?
-Su
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