I love being left out
I love putting my all and not being appreciated
I love losing all my data
I love fucking up
I love people not fucking caring about me
Can you sense the sarcasm?
When I was a sophomore UNC, I've experienced the stress of being an event planner. Something exhilarating, something exciting, and something new every fucking day. yet this year, it's different.
what the fuck am i doing?
... to be continued
Monday, December 4, 2017
Friday, July 21, 2017
Silence
Silence.
It feeds the soul in more ways than you would expect.
The restaurant that I grew up in made noise nonstop.
The clanking of the wok
the ringing of the phone
the rustling from the receipts
the chopping from the knives
the yelling of my Chinese Dialect (Fuzhounese) from my parents
All these noises became a masterpiece I would like to call: "Chinese Restaurant"
Wonderfully conducted by my parents
I've come to appreciate this composition with its wonderful additions coming from the crowd, or better known as the customers.
Although as a child, I tried blocked those sounds off when I work, it comes back to me. I can still hear the noises that my parent's restaurant would make.
It has also made me appreciate silence. I empty my mind, concentrate on my breathe, and let silence envelope me and my entirety. Silence lets me ponder, analyze, explore, wonder, reflect, learn
So maybe silence isn't so bad.
Although it may not have been an extremely loud part of my life. I still notice it.
It's soft
It's subtle
That's the beauty of it.
I've come to appreciate it as I sit on this desk typing away. Because it has an effect on me me that no medicine could possibly accomplish
It's soothing
It's healing
It's calming
It's all that I want from a cup of tea and so much more.
Silence, I appreciate and am grateful that you've impacted me so.
extension: (Alternative title: the effect of sound)
Silence lets me be alone
yet, sound is an agent of energy, liveliness, people, warm bodies, living organisms, smiles, joy
I've come to appreciate the masterpiece because it's what makes me distinct from non-restaurant kids
yet similar to my fellow restaurant compatriots, each with their own arrangement of restaurant sounds.
In amidst of all those sounds, I feel at home.
Its surprisingly comforting.
Who knew that I would one day appreciate the sound of my parent's restaurant that I tried so hard to drown out as a child?
- Su
It feeds the soul in more ways than you would expect.
The restaurant that I grew up in made noise nonstop.
The clanking of the wok
the ringing of the phone
the rustling from the receipts
the chopping from the knives
the yelling of my Chinese Dialect (Fuzhounese) from my parents
All these noises became a masterpiece I would like to call: "Chinese Restaurant"
Wonderfully conducted by my parents
I've come to appreciate this composition with its wonderful additions coming from the crowd, or better known as the customers.
Although as a child, I tried blocked those sounds off when I work, it comes back to me. I can still hear the noises that my parent's restaurant would make.
It has also made me appreciate silence. I empty my mind, concentrate on my breathe, and let silence envelope me and my entirety. Silence lets me ponder, analyze, explore, wonder, reflect, learn
So maybe silence isn't so bad.
Although it may not have been an extremely loud part of my life. I still notice it.
It's soft
It's subtle
That's the beauty of it.
I've come to appreciate it as I sit on this desk typing away. Because it has an effect on me me that no medicine could possibly accomplish
It's soothing
It's healing
It's calming
It's all that I want from a cup of tea and so much more.
Silence, I appreciate and am grateful that you've impacted me so.
extension: (Alternative title: the effect of sound)
Silence lets me be alone
yet, sound is an agent of energy, liveliness, people, warm bodies, living organisms, smiles, joy
I've come to appreciate the masterpiece because it's what makes me distinct from non-restaurant kids
yet similar to my fellow restaurant compatriots, each with their own arrangement of restaurant sounds.
In amidst of all those sounds, I feel at home.
Its surprisingly comforting.
Who knew that I would one day appreciate the sound of my parent's restaurant that I tried so hard to drown out as a child?
- Su
Thursday, January 12, 2017
Thoughts of the Day
Thinking about my life and my purpose on this life. What is it exactly?
I've always wanted to help people improve and grow. Self-improvement has always been something that I've tried to attain, and it keeps me going. It keeps me motivated and determined to do whatever I need to do.
But sometimes I think about my needs and how they are different from others. Or how people can be different than me.
How do I connect with them? And what do I expect from them?
I've recently applied to be an RA and this idea of being of RA has become a goal of mine. I want to help students, not only have the "Carolina Experience" but also find their most improved self. Or least have some awareness of themselves.
Living on this diverse campus has made me aware that I may not be alone, and I can find my people. But I seem to have lost my uniqueness on this campus.
Am I just another face on this campus?
Am I just another paper to grade to my professors?
Am I just another mouth to feed to the dining hall staff?
What am I, and how can I help incoming students center themselves and find themselves?
I say this in all seriousness because at some points while being on this campus, I feel I am enveloped in a sea of students. I don't feel so special. I feel ... plain, boring, uninteresting compared to other people. Does that mean I have blend into my surroundings? Does that mean I've reached the natural state of being a college student, nothing but an oxygen addicted eukaryote, who has way too much stuff in her dorm?
I think and I reflect on this because I feel like in my large lecture classes, I am just another face that they will forget the next semester.
Yet this year, I've decided to come out of my shell. (not that last year was not an improvement already) But even more so than last year.
My word this year is expression.
Expressing myself through words, actions, papers, tests, dance, music, all the nitty gritty of life. Because I want to be heard. I have ideas and damn it I will express them.
So let me speak.
Let me shout
Let me DO
My Carolina experience may be different from yours, but who says that the Carolina experience has to be a certain way?
Who says that I need to be so and so to have a true Carolina experience?
Please don't put me in a box.
I feel uncomfortable, I feel constricted, and I feel heavy.
I want to be light, and free. Isn't it invigorating?
So I say the same to others.
My Carolina experience may be different than yours, but who says thats not okay? It's completely okay. It's your time at college, if you're enjoying yourself than thats great! If you're not, then why? Find the root: too many classes, do not know how to prioritize, emotional instability, or just the campus in general.
Just thinking about the individualistic aspects of UNC, makes me happy.
I feel liberated and weightless. Let me soar!
Express yourself
Be free
Let your imagination run wild.
Because isn't that the whole point of college? Finding yourself and exploring your interests and lastly challenge your once stable opinions.
Why not widen your horizon? Why not take an esoteric class? Why not reflect on all that you've done.
Don't live vicariously through other people.
Don't just exist. LIVE
Be who you want to be, not what society expects you to be.
Uniqueness keeps the world interesting, differences makes us special.
So put the phone down and find your purpose in life.
What do you have to lose?
- Su
I've always wanted to help people improve and grow. Self-improvement has always been something that I've tried to attain, and it keeps me going. It keeps me motivated and determined to do whatever I need to do.
But sometimes I think about my needs and how they are different from others. Or how people can be different than me.
How do I connect with them? And what do I expect from them?
I've recently applied to be an RA and this idea of being of RA has become a goal of mine. I want to help students, not only have the "Carolina Experience" but also find their most improved self. Or least have some awareness of themselves.
Living on this diverse campus has made me aware that I may not be alone, and I can find my people. But I seem to have lost my uniqueness on this campus.
Am I just another face on this campus?
Am I just another paper to grade to my professors?
Am I just another mouth to feed to the dining hall staff?
What am I, and how can I help incoming students center themselves and find themselves?
I say this in all seriousness because at some points while being on this campus, I feel I am enveloped in a sea of students. I don't feel so special. I feel ... plain, boring, uninteresting compared to other people. Does that mean I have blend into my surroundings? Does that mean I've reached the natural state of being a college student, nothing but an oxygen addicted eukaryote, who has way too much stuff in her dorm?
I think and I reflect on this because I feel like in my large lecture classes, I am just another face that they will forget the next semester.
Yet this year, I've decided to come out of my shell. (not that last year was not an improvement already) But even more so than last year.
My word this year is expression.
Expressing myself through words, actions, papers, tests, dance, music, all the nitty gritty of life. Because I want to be heard. I have ideas and damn it I will express them.
So let me speak.
Let me shout
Let me DO
My Carolina experience may be different from yours, but who says that the Carolina experience has to be a certain way?
Who says that I need to be so and so to have a true Carolina experience?
Please don't put me in a box.
I feel uncomfortable, I feel constricted, and I feel heavy.
I want to be light, and free. Isn't it invigorating?
So I say the same to others.
My Carolina experience may be different than yours, but who says thats not okay? It's completely okay. It's your time at college, if you're enjoying yourself than thats great! If you're not, then why? Find the root: too many classes, do not know how to prioritize, emotional instability, or just the campus in general.
Just thinking about the individualistic aspects of UNC, makes me happy.
I feel liberated and weightless. Let me soar!
Express yourself
Be free
Let your imagination run wild.
Because isn't that the whole point of college? Finding yourself and exploring your interests and lastly challenge your once stable opinions.
Why not widen your horizon? Why not take an esoteric class? Why not reflect on all that you've done.
Don't live vicariously through other people.
Don't just exist. LIVE
Be who you want to be, not what society expects you to be.
Uniqueness keeps the world interesting, differences makes us special.
So put the phone down and find your purpose in life.
What do you have to lose?
- Su
Monday, October 31, 2016
A Summary of the Self
The Self, complex yet so simple, well at least for me.
I look towards the simple aspects of myself: Smiling, Happy, Driven by Emotion, Hardworking (hopefully), Determined, Passionate.
Yet the complicated aspects of myself: Spontaneous, analytical, introspective, thoughtful, and once again Passionate.
What sets the complicated from the simple?
As a human, these rational thoughts, I feel are more complicated because it makes us stop and think about what we're doing.
While the simple are those that are your gut feeling, yet it can still be complex because you don't know the origins of yet.
So...
What? Aren't they all the same then?
yes and no
They can be both, if you want them to be, just how you can overcomplicate a rather simple task.
For example, the way to class. You could go through Morrison, then through the UNC hospitals, then through FedEx and finally make it to Hanes, or you can just a straight shot to Hanes from South Campus to North. It's your own choice.
Same way goes when you can simplify an overly complicated task.
For example:
I look towards the simple aspects of myself: Smiling, Happy, Driven by Emotion, Hardworking (hopefully), Determined, Passionate.
Yet the complicated aspects of myself: Spontaneous, analytical, introspective, thoughtful, and once again Passionate.
What sets the complicated from the simple?
As a human, these rational thoughts, I feel are more complicated because it makes us stop and think about what we're doing.
While the simple are those that are your gut feeling, yet it can still be complex because you don't know the origins of yet.
So...
What? Aren't they all the same then?
yes and no
They can be both, if you want them to be, just how you can overcomplicate a rather simple task.
For example, the way to class. You could go through Morrison, then through the UNC hospitals, then through FedEx and finally make it to Hanes, or you can just a straight shot to Hanes from South Campus to North. It's your own choice.
Same way goes when you can simplify an overly complicated task.
For example:
Friday, October 21, 2016
Emotion over Reason
Growing up, being Chinese, not just learning but embracing my culture has made me who I am.
Accepting failure, rejoicing success, learning from mistakes, and seeking fulfillment from all of those.
I am human. I am emotional.
The character 心 has been thrown around a lot in my family.
My dad doesn't tell me, what does my brain tell me. He tells me, what are my emotions telling me. (你觉得怎么样）
Emotions, not reason
I've always been driven my emotion. I do what my heart tells me to, not my mind. I do what I think is best for me.
I've come to learn that my past and my upbringing molded my personality, but I too can change that. I have the capacity to do so.
Yet, sometimes my personality changes without me knowing.
Sometimes I look different, I seem different, and I feel different, and it's okay.
We can either focus on our differences, or we can embrace our differences and find something comforting about diversity.
Diversity, unity, emotions, and fulfillment.
Maybe thats all I need? Happiness? 幸福，快乐，开心。All terms for happiness. All depending on the duration of the term happiness.
So...
Which one do I want? Does wanting all of them seem too selfish?
Maybe...
But a diverse array of emotions is also necessary for a fulfilling life.
Maybe that's what I need.
An plethora of emotions, even the so-called "bad"ones, "weird" ones, "socially unacceptable" ones.
Accepting failure, rejoicing success, learning from mistakes, and seeking fulfillment from all of those.
I am human. I am emotional.
The character 心 has been thrown around a lot in my family.
My dad doesn't tell me, what does my brain tell me. He tells me, what are my emotions telling me. (你觉得怎么样）
Emotions, not reason
I've always been driven my emotion. I do what my heart tells me to, not my mind. I do what I think is best for me.
I've come to learn that my past and my upbringing molded my personality, but I too can change that. I have the capacity to do so.
Yet, sometimes my personality changes without me knowing.
Sometimes I look different, I seem different, and I feel different, and it's okay.
We can either focus on our differences, or we can embrace our differences and find something comforting about diversity.
Diversity, unity, emotions, and fulfillment.
Maybe thats all I need? Happiness? 幸福，快乐，开心。All terms for happiness. All depending on the duration of the term happiness.
So...
Which one do I want? Does wanting all of them seem too selfish?
Maybe...
But a diverse array of emotions is also necessary for a fulfilling life.
Maybe that's what I need.
An plethora of emotions, even the so-called "bad"ones, "weird" ones, "socially unacceptable" ones.
Friday, October 14, 2016
Tears of Happiness
Scrolling through YouTube Videos, munching on snacks, procrastinating on homework. That's my typical Friday. No care for the world because its a freaking Friday, I have a whole weekend to explore, to vegetate, and to do absolutely nothing ... well except for homework, but that's besides the point.
Classes have been overwhelming, too much to do in too little time, not to mention my incapability to time manage, but hey, I'm only a sophomore, what do I know?
Excuses, excuses, excuses.
I envy those who have their life together. Who have so much talent.
I was watching some of the best America's Got Talent and X-Factor videos, and man do they have some talent. They're so down to earth, so authentic, and so genuine. Seeing them brought tears to my eyes, but at the same time, I look back at myself and I think, why not me?
Maybe it's because I'm not suited to be famous or on stage, but I want my recognition. Yes, this is a little selfish, but I too like to be a part of the attention. No matter how much I say I don't, I actually do. I really do.
So maybe thats just me. I am human though so attention and approval of others are part of me. Yet I hate this dependence. No,
It's more like I hate my natural inclination to seek other's approval.
I am strong, I am capable, and I am independent.
The quote of the day that the app Momentum gave to me was, "When you see a person without a smile, give them one of yours." - Zig Ziglar
Smile
That's all I need.
Happiness is such an abstract concept, but a smile really bottles just a little bit of happiness and gives it to whomever you're smiling towards.
It's infinite, it's free, and it's people's way of showing that they care.
Some may be genuine, others may not, regardless, they mean something. The receivers takes it in and cherishes it.
Yet, why the title "Tears of Happiness" ?
Why not Smiles?
Smiles anybody can fake, but tears of happiness, those don't come around so often.
I am a cryer, especially when something good happens in movies, shows, even in those YouTube Videos, I cried for the singers. Why? Because to them they are doing what they love, and they're doing it so beautifully that it moved me to tears.
I envy them, not because I want to be them, but because I also want to move others to tears with my work. I want to show that I truly love what I do regardless of the place, time, activity, etc. I want to move them, and I want to move myself.
I want to get to the point where I know that I am capable of what I am doing without the attention or approval of others.
I am capable.
I am strong.
I will find my way and center myself.
Growth is what I want. Tears of Happiness is what I desire. Maybe not from others.
I can find independence.
Tears of Happiness for myself.
The self.
--- Su :')
Classes have been overwhelming, too much to do in too little time, not to mention my incapability to time manage, but hey, I'm only a sophomore, what do I know?
Excuses, excuses, excuses.
I envy those who have their life together. Who have so much talent.
I was watching some of the best America's Got Talent and X-Factor videos, and man do they have some talent. They're so down to earth, so authentic, and so genuine. Seeing them brought tears to my eyes, but at the same time, I look back at myself and I think, why not me?
Maybe it's because I'm not suited to be famous or on stage, but I want my recognition. Yes, this is a little selfish, but I too like to be a part of the attention. No matter how much I say I don't, I actually do. I really do.
So maybe thats just me. I am human though so attention and approval of others are part of me. Yet I hate this dependence. No,
It's more like I hate my natural inclination to seek other's approval.
I am strong, I am capable, and I am independent.
The quote of the day that the app Momentum gave to me was, "When you see a person without a smile, give them one of yours." - Zig Ziglar
Smile
That's all I need.
Happiness is such an abstract concept, but a smile really bottles just a little bit of happiness and gives it to whomever you're smiling towards.
It's infinite, it's free, and it's people's way of showing that they care.
Some may be genuine, others may not, regardless, they mean something. The receivers takes it in and cherishes it.
Yet, why the title "Tears of Happiness" ?
Why not Smiles?
Smiles anybody can fake, but tears of happiness, those don't come around so often.
I am a cryer, especially when something good happens in movies, shows, even in those YouTube Videos, I cried for the singers. Why? Because to them they are doing what they love, and they're doing it so beautifully that it moved me to tears.
I envy them, not because I want to be them, but because I also want to move others to tears with my work. I want to show that I truly love what I do regardless of the place, time, activity, etc. I want to move them, and I want to move myself.
I want to get to the point where I know that I am capable of what I am doing without the attention or approval of others.
I am capable.
I am strong.
I will find my way and center myself.
Growth is what I want. Tears of Happiness is what I desire. Maybe not from others.
I can find independence.
Tears of Happiness for myself.
The self.
--- Su :')
Sunday, May 15, 2016
Realizations
Today is the day. The last day that I will be here; tomorrow at 2 PM, I will be leaving for Singapore.
The moment that I have been waiting for, ever since I found out, I've been anticipating this day to arrive.
I'm giddy, I'm excited, but most of all I'm nervous.
I've never been the most outgoing person, nor the most social person, but I am willing to put myself out there. I like my small group of friends, and hopefully these 24 other amazing students are willing to accept into their friend group just as much as I am willing to.
It all happened so quickly. (Nonetheless, I still haven't even finished packing)What happened? Nearly 2 months have passed, and my acceptance still feels like yesterday, although my giddiness has died down recently, but I feel it surfacing once again.
What is this? Awareness please don't fail me now. Be conscientious, be considerate, but most importantly please be kind.
Programs like this changes people, and I want to change for the better. I'm not just out to play; I'm out here to learn, to grow, and to thrive. I'm more than just a oxygen-addicted eukaryote. I'm a human. I pursue happiness, I seek fulfillment, and I flourish on passion.So please, let's not change for the worst. Center myself to the Tao, and everything else will follow. Let me be me, but guide me. Let me be more thoughtful and caring; most importantly, let me be more respectful. My parents brought me up this way, and I dare not to let them down. I want to be something that they are proud of, and I thank everything that they have ever done for me. Hopefully, I have matured beautifully, but deep down inside, I'll always be your little girl. Being apart from my parents for 2 months will be hard, but it will be a learning experience.
Keep smiling and laughing, because that is truly the life worth living. I am blessed.
--- Su :')
The moment that I have been waiting for, ever since I found out, I've been anticipating this day to arrive.
I'm giddy, I'm excited, but most of all I'm nervous.
I've never been the most outgoing person, nor the most social person, but I am willing to put myself out there. I like my small group of friends, and hopefully these 24 other amazing students are willing to accept into their friend group just as much as I am willing to.
It all happened so quickly. (Nonetheless, I still haven't even finished packing)What happened? Nearly 2 months have passed, and my acceptance still feels like yesterday, although my giddiness has died down recently, but I feel it surfacing once again.
What is this? Awareness please don't fail me now. Be conscientious, be considerate, but most importantly please be kind.
Programs like this changes people, and I want to change for the better. I'm not just out to play; I'm out here to learn, to grow, and to thrive. I'm more than just a oxygen-addicted eukaryote. I'm a human. I pursue happiness, I seek fulfillment, and I flourish on passion.So please, let's not change for the worst. Center myself to the Tao, and everything else will follow. Let me be me, but guide me. Let me be more thoughtful and caring; most importantly, let me be more respectful. My parents brought me up this way, and I dare not to let them down. I want to be something that they are proud of, and I thank everything that they have ever done for me. Hopefully, I have matured beautifully, but deep down inside, I'll always be your little girl. Being apart from my parents for 2 months will be hard, but it will be a learning experience.
Keep smiling and laughing, because that is truly the life worth living. I am blessed.
--- Su :')
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