A Summary of the Self

The Self, complex yet so simple, well at least for me.

I look towards the simple aspects of myself: Smiling, Happy, Driven by Emotion, Hardworking (hopefully), Determined, Passionate.

Yet the complicated aspects of myself: Spontaneous, analytical, introspective, thoughtful, and once again Passionate.

What sets the complicated from the simple?
As a human, these rational thoughts, I feel are more complicated because it makes us stop and think about what we're doing.
While the simple are those that are your gut feeling, yet it can still be complex because you don't know the origins of yet.
So...
What? Aren't they all the same then?

yes and no

They can be both, if you want them to be, just how you can overcomplicate a rather simple task.
For example, the way to class. You could go through Morrison, then through the UNC hospitals, then through FedEx and finally make it to Hanes, or you can just a straight shot to Hanes from South Campus to North. It's your own choice.

Same way goes when you can simplify an overly complicated task.
For example:

Emotion over Reason

Growing up, being Chinese, not just learning but embracing my culture has made me who I am.
Accepting failure, rejoicing success, learning from mistakes, and seeking fulfillment from all of those.
I am human. I am emotional.
The character 心 has been thrown around a lot in my family.
My dad doesn't tell me, what does my brain tell me. He tells me, what are my emotions telling me. (你觉得怎么样）
Emotions, not reason
I've always been driven my emotion. I do what my heart tells me to, not my mind. I do what I think is best for me.
I've come to learn that my past and my upbringing molded my personality, but I too can change that. I have the capacity to do so.
Yet, sometimes my personality changes without me knowing.
Sometimes I look different, I seem different, and I feel different, and it's okay.
We can either focus on our differences, or we can embrace our differences and find something comforting about diversity.

Diversity, unity, emotions, and fulfillment.
Maybe thats all I need? Happiness? 幸福，快乐，开心。All terms for happiness. All depending on the duration of the term happiness.
So...
Which one do I want? Does wanting all of them seem too selfish?
Maybe...
But a diverse array of emotions is also necessary for a fulfilling life.
Maybe that's what I need.
An plethora of emotions, even the so-called "bad"ones, "weird" ones, "socially unacceptable" ones.

Tears of Happiness

Scrolling through YouTube Videos, munching on snacks, procrastinating on homework. That's my typical Friday. No care for the world because its a freaking Friday, I have a whole weekend to explore, to vegetate, and to do absolutely nothing ... well except for homework, but that's besides the point.

Classes have been overwhelming, too much to do in too little time, not to mention my incapability to time manage, but hey, I'm only a sophomore, what do I know?

Excuses, excuses, excuses.

I envy those who have their life together. Who have so much talent.

I was watching some of the best America's Got Talent and X-Factor videos, and man do they have some talent. They're so down to earth, so authentic, and so genuine. Seeing them brought tears to my eyes, but at the same time, I look back at myself and I think, why not me?

Maybe it's because I'm not suited to be famous or on stage, but I want my recognition. Yes, this is a little selfish, but I too like to be a part of the attention. No matter how much I say I don't, I actually do. I really do.

So maybe thats just me. I am human though so attention and approval of others are part of me. Yet I hate this dependence. No,

It's more like I hate my natural inclination to seek other's approval.

I am strong, I am capable, and I am independent.

The quote of the day that the app Momentum gave to me was, "When you see a person without a smile, give them one of yours." - Zig Ziglar

Smile

That's all I need.

Happiness is such an abstract concept, but a smile really bottles just a little bit of happiness and gives it to whomever you're smiling towards.
It's infinite, it's free, and it's people's way of showing that they care.

Some may be genuine, others may not, regardless, they mean something. The receivers takes it in and cherishes it.

Yet, why the title "Tears of Happiness" ?
Why not Smiles?

Smiles anybody can fake, but tears of happiness, those don't come around so often.
I am a cryer, especially when something good happens in movies, shows, even in those YouTube Videos, I cried for the singers. Why? Because to them they are doing what they love, and they're doing it so beautifully that it moved me to tears.

I envy them, not because I want to be them, but because I also want to move others to tears with my work. I want to show that I truly love what I do regardless of the place, time, activity, etc. I want to move them, and I want to move myself.

I want to get to the point where I know that I am capable of what I am doing without the attention or approval of others.

I am capable.

I am strong.

I will find my way and center myself.

Growth is what I want. Tears of Happiness is what I desire. Maybe not from others.
I can find independence.
Tears of Happiness for myself.
The self.

--- Su :')