I am currently a first-year at UNC-Chapel Hill, and I am double majoring in Pre-business and Chinese.
Although many people will not find this, and it may not be a well-known blog, my goal for this blog is to finally freely express what I've been feeling. Although I do not liked to be put into a box because as a human being, I am more than a label, I feel that the usual introverted and unassertive side of me has made me keep everything inside. I feel that I need to be cautious of what I say just so that I don't start arguments, and sometimes, I want to express my opinions, but I lack that assertive quality that other people have. I get pushed around sometimes, but that is okay because I prefer to keep the peace than start a disruption.
Anyways, I recently was interviewed for the SEAS program at UNC-Chapel Hill, and the sheer amount of stress that it has caused me is absolutely ridiculous. I feel so disconnected with my friends, my family, and the world itself. I never want to put all my eggs in the same basket, but I just really want to go on this study abroad. I feel that if I do not get into this program, people will judge me, and ask my why I didn't get in. I would also hate myself because I had the capabilities to prepare for this trip, and I would just be letting myself down. People tell me "Oh, you'll definitely get in." However, I feel that they are just too optimistic and too naive. Being a natural pessimist, I doubt all my accomplishments. My high school diploma, my IB diploma, and even my acceptance here. Sometimes I wonder why in the world am I in this college where I am surrounded by intelligent, capable, determined people, and I am just over here being a potato. Sometimes I wonder why I even got into the college in the first place.
Yet, people tell me, "Su, you need to have more confidence in yourself. You got in for a reason." However, to be honest, I don't know why I got into this college in the first place. I've gotten so unmotivated and so tired lately that I just want to crawl back to Greensboro and cry.
However, I've come to realize that me escaping from my responsibilities, me running away, me forgetting about the amount of effort I have put into my life, is not the answer. I may not have the natural self confidence that other people have, but I have learned that I am humble and proud of where I came from. My personality, my emotions, my intelligence, and more importantly my confidence, they are all a part of who I am. Accepting the good and not so good parts about me is the only way that I am going to improve myself. I have to acknowledge my emotions. I have to be more confident. Finally I have to accept myself. I may just be another student at UNC, but I got in for a reason. The lack of confidence that I have does not mean that I should give up on anything. I am strong. I am independent. I am capable. These past few days have been rough with all this stress, all this anxiety, all these responsibilities. Nonetheless, I am proud of who I am, and I accept all parts of my personality. I may lack confidence, but I am still strong, and I will still work. I am determined to be the best that I can be.
This is my Epoch of learning. My experience, my background, my brain. They are mine. I hope this blog will help me become more actualized over the course of the next 4 years. I want to become the best that I can be!
Thank you so much!
I hope you guys have a lovely weekend. This entry may be a bit too personal, but that was my emotions as of today. Up until 4:45, I have been feeling down lately, but during a Psych study, I was scrolling through my emails and found out that I have been accepted to the SEAS program. I am super stoked! I need to learn how to be more confident. Yes, that is something I need to work on, and I am trying right now, but that was just a low point in my life. I need to have hope for the future, and so do you guys. Thank you so much for reading thus far. I will write back very soon.
--- Su
Side note: I love Lao-zi and Confucius by the way. They are some of my favorite philosophers! I definitely would recommend them!
