Today I took an exam and felt absolutely awful about it. On Monday, I just got notified that my employers will not be extending my term with them, meaning I GOT FIRED! I've just been feeling awful lately. I'm usually very happy about everything and do not usually let things bring me down, but lately, I've just been feeling horrible. So unproductive, so unaware, so unconscious about my actions. I hate this. I hate being sad. I just want the anxiety to stop. I absolutely do not want my Freshman Year at UNC to end like this. I keep telling myself that I am capable, I am strong, and I am independent, yet I still fall into the depth of despair, into the emotion that I absolutely cannot stand with a passion. I've lost my drive, my motivation, and my happiness. I tried to cheer up, I tried to forget, but it just keeps coming back. What started out as a normal week, soured. I hate this, more importantly I hate myself for not being more prepared, more hardworking, more strong-willed. I want these, I desire them to the point of no return, yet I'm at standstill. I want to improve; I want to continuously improve. Why can't I improve? I want to grow, I want feel, I want to move on, yet the rumination is still there. Am I depressed? Am I so sad to the point where I cannot stand being around other people?
I see my roommate laugh, and I love it. She's opened up so much in the past semester, but I feel that I'm closing inward. I've lost all motivation. I put in all my efforts to study, yet no progress. What am I doing wrong? Why am I acting like this? I'm usually okay with decent grades, but what has happened to make me like this? I feel like I've taken a step back, maybe even more steps back. I hate this. I hate myself.
I want to cry... I'm crying. The screen is becoming a blur... everything is falling apart. What now? ... What?
-Su
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
Monday, March 7, 2016
Hello World!
Hello! This is the first entry to the blog - Epoch of Learning!
I am currently a first-year at UNC-Chapel Hill, and I am double majoring in Pre-business and Chinese.
Although many people will not find this, and it may not be a well-known blog, my goal for this blog is to finally freely express what I've been feeling. Although I do not liked to be put into a box because as a human being, I am more than a label, I feel that the usual introverted and unassertive side of me has made me keep everything inside. I feel that I need to be cautious of what I say just so that I don't start arguments, and sometimes, I want to express my opinions, but I lack that assertive quality that other people have. I get pushed around sometimes, but that is okay because I prefer to keep the peace than start a disruption.
Anyways, I recently was interviewed for the SEAS program at UNC-Chapel Hill, and the sheer amount of stress that it has caused me is absolutely ridiculous. I feel so disconnected with my friends, my family, and the world itself. I never want to put all my eggs in the same basket, but I just really want to go on this study abroad. I feel that if I do not get into this program, people will judge me, and ask my why I didn't get in. I would also hate myself because I had the capabilities to prepare for this trip, and I would just be letting myself down. People tell me "Oh, you'll definitely get in." However, I feel that they are just too optimistic and too naive. Being a natural pessimist, I doubt all my accomplishments. My high school diploma, my IB diploma, and even my acceptance here. Sometimes I wonder why in the world am I in this college where I am surrounded by intelligent, capable, determined people, and I am just over here being a potato. Sometimes I wonder why I even got into the college in the first place.
Yet, people tell me, "Su, you need to have more confidence in yourself. You got in for a reason." However, to be honest, I don't know why I got into this college in the first place. I've gotten so unmotivated and so tired lately that I just want to crawl back to Greensboro and cry.
However, I've come to realize that me escaping from my responsibilities, me running away, me forgetting about the amount of effort I have put into my life, is not the answer. I may not have the natural self confidence that other people have, but I have learned that I am humble and proud of where I came from. My personality, my emotions, my intelligence, and more importantly my confidence, they are all a part of who I am. Accepting the good and not so good parts about me is the only way that I am going to improve myself. I have to acknowledge my emotions. I have to be more confident. Finally I have to accept myself. I may just be another student at UNC, but I got in for a reason. The lack of confidence that I have does not mean that I should give up on anything. I am strong. I am independent. I am capable. These past few days have been rough with all this stress, all this anxiety, all these responsibilities. Nonetheless, I am proud of who I am, and I accept all parts of my personality. I may lack confidence, but I am still strong, and I will still work. I am determined to be the best that I can be.
This is my Epoch of learning. My experience, my background, my brain. They are mine. I hope this blog will help me become more actualized over the course of the next 4 years. I want to become the best that I can be!
Thank you so much!
I hope you guys have a lovely weekend. This entry may be a bit too personal, but that was my emotions as of today. Up until 4:45, I have been feeling down lately, but during a Psych study, I was scrolling through my emails and found out that I have been accepted to the SEAS program. I am super stoked! I need to learn how to be more confident. Yes, that is something I need to work on, and I am trying right now, but that was just a low point in my life. I need to have hope for the future, and so do you guys. Thank you so much for reading thus far. I will write back very soon.
--- Su
Side note: I love Lao-zi and Confucius by the way. They are some of my favorite philosophers! I definitely would recommend them!
I am currently a first-year at UNC-Chapel Hill, and I am double majoring in Pre-business and Chinese.
Although many people will not find this, and it may not be a well-known blog, my goal for this blog is to finally freely express what I've been feeling. Although I do not liked to be put into a box because as a human being, I am more than a label, I feel that the usual introverted and unassertive side of me has made me keep everything inside. I feel that I need to be cautious of what I say just so that I don't start arguments, and sometimes, I want to express my opinions, but I lack that assertive quality that other people have. I get pushed around sometimes, but that is okay because I prefer to keep the peace than start a disruption.
Anyways, I recently was interviewed for the SEAS program at UNC-Chapel Hill, and the sheer amount of stress that it has caused me is absolutely ridiculous. I feel so disconnected with my friends, my family, and the world itself. I never want to put all my eggs in the same basket, but I just really want to go on this study abroad. I feel that if I do not get into this program, people will judge me, and ask my why I didn't get in. I would also hate myself because I had the capabilities to prepare for this trip, and I would just be letting myself down. People tell me "Oh, you'll definitely get in." However, I feel that they are just too optimistic and too naive. Being a natural pessimist, I doubt all my accomplishments. My high school diploma, my IB diploma, and even my acceptance here. Sometimes I wonder why in the world am I in this college where I am surrounded by intelligent, capable, determined people, and I am just over here being a potato. Sometimes I wonder why I even got into the college in the first place.
Yet, people tell me, "Su, you need to have more confidence in yourself. You got in for a reason." However, to be honest, I don't know why I got into this college in the first place. I've gotten so unmotivated and so tired lately that I just want to crawl back to Greensboro and cry.
However, I've come to realize that me escaping from my responsibilities, me running away, me forgetting about the amount of effort I have put into my life, is not the answer. I may not have the natural self confidence that other people have, but I have learned that I am humble and proud of where I came from. My personality, my emotions, my intelligence, and more importantly my confidence, they are all a part of who I am. Accepting the good and not so good parts about me is the only way that I am going to improve myself. I have to acknowledge my emotions. I have to be more confident. Finally I have to accept myself. I may just be another student at UNC, but I got in for a reason. The lack of confidence that I have does not mean that I should give up on anything. I am strong. I am independent. I am capable. These past few days have been rough with all this stress, all this anxiety, all these responsibilities. Nonetheless, I am proud of who I am, and I accept all parts of my personality. I may lack confidence, but I am still strong, and I will still work. I am determined to be the best that I can be.
This is my Epoch of learning. My experience, my background, my brain. They are mine. I hope this blog will help me become more actualized over the course of the next 4 years. I want to become the best that I can be!
Thank you so much!
I hope you guys have a lovely weekend. This entry may be a bit too personal, but that was my emotions as of today. Up until 4:45, I have been feeling down lately, but during a Psych study, I was scrolling through my emails and found out that I have been accepted to the SEAS program. I am super stoked! I need to learn how to be more confident. Yes, that is something I need to work on, and I am trying right now, but that was just a low point in my life. I need to have hope for the future, and so do you guys. Thank you so much for reading thus far. I will write back very soon.
--- Su
Side note: I love Lao-zi and Confucius by the way. They are some of my favorite philosophers! I definitely would recommend them!
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